After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
