when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
