Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
