I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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