You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
