Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
