My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
