I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
