Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
