so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
