I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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