Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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