And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
