all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
