every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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