i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
