her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
