apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
