I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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