You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
