Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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