Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
