If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
