How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
