Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
