girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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