listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
