A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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