I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
