I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
