the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
