i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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