Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am puke
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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