I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
