ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
