My liver just broke up with me...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
