If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A bitchslap is in order.
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