i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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