I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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