i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
i now understand why vodka
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
