she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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