I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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