1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I want a musical about memes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
