Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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