genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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