I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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