I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
