meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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