I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
