Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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