I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
