Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
