Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
