if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
