so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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