maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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