Say something about gay babies.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
