New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
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dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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