last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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