Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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