There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
