Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
