All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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