i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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